Lots of ground to cover!

SO much to catch up on! I guess I will begin where the last post left off.
   After we got back from San Rafael Naysa continued to do great, her movement was smooth and intentional and we could really tell she was enjoying the new things her body could do. The beginning of August my parents and brother flew out to spend some time with Nay before her days of being an only child were over. My parents were a HUGE part of her ABM success before surgery. They took her to lessons every day, sometimes twice a day and Naysa thrived!

    Early in the morning of August 15th Benjamin and I went to the hospital to welcome our son into the world, unfortunately via cesarean birth. I was very much hoping for a VBAC but alas, it was not possible. After HOURS of waiting around the hospital because my surgery got bumped, they walked me back to the OR and got me ready. It was SUCH a different experience than with Naysa. Everything was explained to me as it was done, there was an air of excitement rather than fear, I was actually able to HOLD him right away and not when he was two days old. I was congratulated instead of greeted with looks of sympathy and bombarded with "I'm sorry's." It was honestly like being first time parents...again. We both expected the nurses to come take him, both relieved and surprised when they never did. He stayed in my arms the entire time. From the moment we left the OR until the time we went home. We were so used to doing things a certain way because of the NICU, we were even saving his diapers to be weighed! That gave the nurse a good giggle ;)  I felt empowered with this birth, even though I was unable to have my VBAC. I made all decisions for him and they were respected, I only wish I could have this with Nay. The days following our arrival home, I began to feel overwhelmed. I felt disconnected from Naysa because I hadn't been around her as much as I was used to and when I finally was, it felt like she didn't even miss me or care.

  Then she had surgery, August 27th and trying to fight off the feelings of depression got harder. I was so conflicted between caring for my newborn and being by my girls side 24/7 in the hospital like I ALWAYS had before. I'm very thankful my parents were here for day shift and Ben stayed the night so she was never alone, but I felt such guilt for not being able to stay with her. She came home two days after surgery, miserable...which only added to my feelings of helplessness. I couldn't hold her or pick her up for WEEKS and she was in pain. I wanted to scoop her up and make it all go away and I couldn't. What kind of mother was I?? All I could do was tell her how sorry I was and cry. A lot. That made me feel pretty damn shitty. My mom tried to reach out and talk to me and I shot her down. I didn't feel like talking about it and I just kept waiting for these feelings to go away. Something I don't suggest, future reference. A month later and I'm finally feeling more confident in my ability to care for both kids with equal amounts of attention and affection.

  Naysa is unstoppable! The past few weeks she's been a whole different kid. Her seizures are G O N E!!! She is sitting and moving beautifully, she is more social and her personality is really emerging. Her incision is healing up great and stitches are just about dissolved :) Ryld is growing SO fast, already getting into 0-3 clothes and size 1 diapers! Life is speeding by, soon it will be 2014 and we can officially mark the calendar for ONE more year in San Diego, Naysa will be three, Ryld will be one and we will be going on a family cruise with my parents and all the grandparents! Exciting things ahead for this little family <3 Well, that's two months worth of updates in as compacted as a post I can make. Thank you for checking up on us and offering support. We love y'all!