This blog has always been a place of peace for me, a safe place to get things off my chest and receive much needed support in return. I've always been honest and raw with my emotions, if you judge me for that...then that's your problem but I won't hold back or keep things PG for your sake. With that said, I will proceed to spill my heart out.
The past few days have been really tough for me. I've been so careful about the amount of attention I give both kids so neither one feels neglected or forgotten, I'm new to this whole two kids thing and haven't quite gotten the hang of spreading myself so thin between them and my husband while still leaving 5 seconds for myself. Lately something is going on with Naysa and I don't know what. It absolutely kills me that I can't just ask her and hear her little voice tell me what she's feeling. How can I make it better when I don't know what's wrong in the first place? Is she feeling jealous or left out? Is she hurting or frustrated? I have no idea. I can't comfort my own daughter. The extent of our communication is her screaming, crying, pulling my hair and me desperately trying to figure out what's wrong. Going through all of the usual things that make her happy and failing miserably. She looks to me to make everything better and I feel like a such a failure I can't do that for her.
It's an emotional roller coaster and I just want to get off. It's exhausting. I've realized I grieve with each new phase of her life. From newborn, to infant to toddlerhood...I grieve them all. She will be three before I know it and if I think ahead to where her development will be a year or five from now, I will go crazy. I take things day by day and sometimes...it just sucks. I'd like to look forward to things with and for her but the future is such an unknown. I worry I won't be able to do this long term, that I will burn out. I need a break and a break isn't possible. I feel guilty for the want to get away and just take time to breathe, collect and focus but also know that if I don't I won't be the best mom I can be for my kids. I really don't know what to do, I feel so alone in this. Don't get me wrong, Benjamin is great support...but he's not a mom. It's hard for him to fully understand the way I feel and the few special needs mom friend I do have can't really relate.
Today will be spent googling, e-mailing and calling for local resources. It's not fair to them if I just check out, I'll get my shit together, don't worry. Thanks for listening <3
hugs momma your doing well so try not to beat yourself up its tough with a newborn nevermind with a special needs child too -can your parents or bens take one child each so you can have at least a day off to recover? im sure you will get through it any way you can xxx
ReplyDeleteI wish we had family close, that would make things a lot easier. We live in CA and all of our family is in GA so breaks aren't really possible for us
ReplyDeleteYou are the best mom because you know your limits, if you are afraid to leave your kids alone with a baby sitter hire one but just hide yourself in a room for a bit. Growing up we didn't have money for my mom to go away, or the space for her to hide, so she would curl up in a chair with an umbrella covering her, headphones on, reading a book and we were not allowed to bother her. It's the little moments that help. I wish I was closer I would love to be a part time nanny. We are still trying to find you some contacts for you. You are a strong woman you will pull through.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!!! Just know that these feelings are totally normal and it is definitely essential to find some time to yourself!! Sending hugs and good wishes your way.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mum so cut yourself some slack hun. Your doing the best you can for your kids & you can't do anymore than what your doing already xx
ReplyDelete