Cycling Through

 The Cycle.
 I've written of it before, but for those who are new or may not remember...I'll enlighten you.

 This cycle comes out of no where, it's crushing and awful. Sometimes I just have to write and have a good cry, sometimes it lasts for days, weeks or turns into depression. Maybe it's because I haven't dealt with the emotional turmoil Naysa's strokes truly caused me, maybe it's just a normal part of this life. Since her 5th birthday (March 22) I've felt an overwhelming sadness. I am so used to pushing it back and trying to just be grateful that she's here, which I absolutely am... but I still mourn. She is not where I thought or hoped she would be with therapy or progression from her strokes at this age, I am grieving again in this cycle...of the daughter I just don't have.
 
 It would be dishonest of me to say I'm not envious of my friends with healthy little girls. They will have tea parties and play dolls, go on manicure dates, talk and have conversations... I will never have that. And you know what? It just sucks sometimes. Part of me had hoped Rowan was a girl so I could experience these things, I can't explain the horrible guilt I felt for feeling slightly sad when Ben announced he was a boy.

 I have an internal struggle of feeling like just giving up, like what's the point in pushing her. All of the therapy, the school...it's not getting her anywhere and it's just frustrating me. But on the flip side, I KNOW she is capable of learning and gaining new skills, she loves a challenge. When I decided to carry her to term ignoring the pressures from doctors to terminate I decided to give her every chance in the world, to fight for her, to advocate and make that life long commitment to helping her knowing full well she would likely not be able to help herself.

She's 5 now...F I V E! That's a great triumph in itself of a girl who wasn't expected to live but a few hours. I am proud and humbled of who she is, what she's endured...Why can't I just be happy with that?